One year ago today, I received my acceptance letter to study abroad at Oxford.

I still remember the moment clearly. I had spent the entire week stressed because I hadn’t received any notification yet, and people had been pestering me about it (Now I know they were asking incessantly because they cared about me and were excited for my sake, but at that point at time, it was not helping my nerves). I was sitting in my Introduction to Indian History class, waiting for the professor to walk in, when I randomly decided to open my email before class. I saw an email from IFSA-Butler at the top of my inbox and my heart started pounding so fast. I quickly opened the email, read the first few lines, and yelled out, “Oh my god, I got into Oxford!” My friends next to me congratulated me and immediately tried to convince me to leave class so I could go back to my room and tell my friends and family. Not wanting to give up one of my class skips (ha), I stayed in class, only initially texting my parents and brother the good news. That fifty-minute class seemed to go so much slower than usual – at that point, I was restless and anxious to tell everyone! The second class ended, I texted my closest friends and updated my Facebook status (Of course). I was on Cloud Nine – after a nearly six-month long application and waiting process, my dream had come true. I was excited, I was elated, I was relieved, I was…terrified. I was preparing myself to leave the comfort of my home university, an environment I was safe and comfortable in, and was about embrace a whole new experience in an entirely different country.

Yup, I was terrified.

Now here I am, one year later, currently on holiday after finishing my second term at Oxford and already looking forward to going back for my final term. Any fears I had one year ago have completely evaporated, and I am incredibly happy with how my life is going right now.

One of the questions I most frequently get asked is “Do you feel you are a different person now?” That question is a lot harder to answer than it may seem. In some ways, certainly, I am a different person. But in other ways, I’m still the same old Tasha that I’ve been for the past 21+ years of my life.

How am I different? For one thing, I’ve met new people, who have influenced me in ways that I never thought imaginable. The people I’ve met here are some of the most intelligent and most wonderful people I’ve ever met. Each and every one of them has influenced me in some way or another, and I am unbelievably grateful for their friendship. I know that when I look back on this year in the future, I’ll of course remember all the big events, including the Union Ball, my 21^st birthday, and the St Edmund Hall Feast, just to name a few, but I’ll also remember all the little things, from watching University Challenge and The Apprentice (the British version, not the American version…) with my friends on Kelly 2, to drinking tea and listening to communist music with Stephen, to spending nights in with Ainsley as we rant about life and procrastinate on our tutorial work, to lunch dates with Natalie and Laura, to photo shoots in the Ashmoleon with Shannon, to getting brunch with Brady and discussing social issues for hours. I’m lucky enough that I get to call all these people my friends – close friends, even.

I have certainly changed in regards to how I approach academics. What I have realized at Oxford is that unlike professors in the U.S., tutors at Oxford do not really care as much about what you know.  Of course the tutors care about the facts, but what they care about more is how you think – how you approach a topic, how you analyze it, and how you interpret it.

There’s also a few superficial ways that I have changed. For example, I use certain vocabulary words that my American friends find utterly hilarious (I used the word “queue” in a chat with a friend a couple of weeks ago and he nearly passed out from laughing too hard…) and I now love to drink tea (I think my mom certainly appreciates this).

Of course, in many ways I am the same person. I still am a complete night owl and tend to run on very little sleep. I call my mom twice a day, just like I do at Case. My desk is almost always a complete mess. I’m a complete scatterbrain every once in a while (okay…I’m a complete scatterbrain more often than not, let’s be honest). I can still spend hours video chatting with my best friends back home. Most importantly, my values are still the same, and I’ve never once thought about compromising on them.

Another part of me that is still the same that I think is important to talk about is that I still do struggle often. Study abroad can often be portrayed through social media as this incredible glamorous, fun experience. I’ve certainly experienced some amazing things – I’ve fallen in love with the city of Oxford, am thriving in the rigorous academic environment here, and have been lucky enough to travel around Europe with even more traveling planned for the next few weeks – but it isn’t all sunshine and roses every day. Sometimes the stress and academic pressure gets overwhelming, to the point where I withdraw almost completely into myself. I try my hardest to keep up with friends back home, but it isn’t always easy, given different schedules and time differences. I sometimes become absolutely terrified at the thought of having to leave here and going back to a life in the U.S. that I, quite frankly, do not remember or recognize anymore. I am afraid of going back to Case Western and being unable to re-integrate myself into the community. I am afraid that I have permanently lost friends from not being around in their lives. On occasion, I fear that I’m not good enough to be here.

It’s not easy. And at times, the insecurity can be overwhelming; to the point where I take it out on people that I love. But at the end of the day, the incredible people that I’ve met, the amazing memories that I’ve made, and the academic environment that I’ve fallen in love with, all outweigh these insecurities, and I can say that this current academic year has easily been the best one yet.

So, to answer the question: Yes, I am a different person, but yet, I am still the same. It’s a paradox, yes, but it’s 100% me.

Much love,

Tasha